if I died

I thought that if I died,

The pain would follow suit.

But it lingers on and on,

Never is it through.

Isn’t it enough,

That my heart is dead inside?

Why must I still hurt,

As though I am alive?

I am dead and buried,

I lie 6 feet in the ground.

So how can it be,

That this pain has me found?

I cannot escape it,

It is with me all the time.

What will it take now pain,

To leave you far behind?

You tell me it’s a lie,

That I really haven’t died.

For dead things cannot hurt,

And dead things do not cry.

You tell me you have purpose,

You are holding me so tight.

You are one with my body,

And you know I’m not alright.

You are only trying,

To be my loud informant.

I can tell by your sting,

That this wound is important.

Oh pain, how I feel you,

I know you’re here to say,

That my heart should have mattered,

That I cannot live this way.

You are stronger now than ever,

You are so relentless.

You refuse to let me die,

You want to see me mended.

I beg you let me go,

I fear all hope is lost,

But you refuse to leave me now,

You say life’s too high a cost.

But I cannot live with you,

Constantly inside me.

Please just lay me down,

The ground is so inviting.

Mending feels too late,

It’s impossible a task.

I cannot live and wait,

I’d rather die and then come back.

Thank you though for telling me,

My heart is worth much more.

My life should have mattered,

I know that’s what you’re for.

To show me how to live,

Like my life holds a value.

I will try again,

But I am afraid to tell you.

I haven’t got much left,

The wound is in my soul.

In agony I’ve bled,

And the bleeding took its toll.

I’m trying now to listen,

To the things you want to say.

You have my attention,

Go ahead and lead the way.

You show me all I’ve lost,

But I cannot bear the sight.

Too hard to see it go,

It’s why I would have rather died.

You say I must let go,

And grab instead to hope.

That in the end, all that was lost,

Will again be mine to hold.

But oh it hurts to do it,

To watch my losses die.

I’d rather it were me,

You are the reason why.

The only way to face it,

The only way to hold you, pain.

Is to know that while I do it,

He won’t let it be in vain.

sea of despair

The waves are too high,

I’m drowning and tossed.

At the bottom of the sea,

Lies all that I’ve lost.

Swimming is hard,

And treading is tough.

With no land in view,

I can’t keep my head up.

I reach for the air,

I grasp for the light.

But without any shore,

It’s a waste of a fight.

The tide pulls me down,

The darkness is cold.

Arms made of water,

Strong is their hold.

The floor of the ocean,

Is still underneath,

The weight of the water,

Where I don’t have to breathe.

Cause breathing is hard,

When you’re gasping for air.

It’s easier to sink,

In the Sea of Despair.

my words

My words are all gone,

You refused to listen.

I pleaded for so long,

But my words, you missed them.

They started out kind,

So gentle and soft.

But after much time,

To be heard was lost.

So I tried something else,

I tried using screams.

Anger grew in swells,

But only in dreams.

After awhile I knew,

It hurt so much more,

To let my words spew,

And be completely ignored,

Then to just stay quiet.

Keep my words inside.

Be invisible, I’ll try it,

My voice cast aside.

pieces

I’m worn out and beat up,

By things I can’t see.

Things that live,

On the inside of me.

They follow me everywhere,

They won’t take their leave.

I force them out,

As far as my sleeve.

These things are ugly,

But most will never see.

These things that torture,

The inside of me.

Lord, come get them out,

Please take them from me.

I can’t do it myself,

Oh please set me free.

I’m in need of your mercy,

In need of your grace.

Come patch all my holes,

And bind all my scrapes.

Heal all these things,

That take over my heart.

Mend all the pieces,

That have broken apart.

pit

I’ve fallen in a pit,

I wallow and I sit.

As the hole it seems grows deeper.

I cannot decide,

If I should escape or hide.

As the walls around get steeper.

Time after time,

I’ve attempted the climb,

But my body is growing much weaker.

My mind starts to slip,

My hands lose their grip.

My exit is looking much bleaker.

The air it grows thick,

Down here in the pit.

Breathing becomes an issue.

All light has faded,

Not sure I can make it.

I’m no longer certain I wish to.

there once was a flower

There once was a flower,

Growing in the grass.

Standing small and pretty,

It was blooming on a path.

The path is a circle,

Round and round it goes.

A sad place for a flower,

Whose spot this was to grow.

Footsteps come around,

Overlooking where they tread.

Landing on the flower,

Causing it to bend.

Slowly it would rise,

Ever trying to be straight.

Attempts to lift itself,

Harder with each passing weight.

Tragic for the flower,

On this unfortunate track.

Inevitable a fate,

As the footsteps cycle back.

Pressed into the ground,

Stepped on too many times.

No longer to be found,

For no longer could it rise.

wasteland

Colorless and barren, a desert full of waste.

A well without water, and food without taste.

There are no valley depths, nor any mountain range.

The sun brings no warmth, and the clouds give no rain.

The trees without leaves, don’t provide any shade.

The air without a breeze, is too heavy to give way.

There can be no resting, nor is there any striving,

This land is not for living, here there’s just surviving.

more

I’ve been here so long,

Time keeps on going.

I think it’s the end,

But the darkness keeps growing.

I thought that by now,

I’d be well on my way,

Out of the night,

Heading towards day.

But further I sink,

And farther I fall.

Vast are these depths,

That make me feel small.

When will I reach it?

Is there no ocean floor?

When I think I have found it,

Always there’s more.

missing

My smile is missing,

It just went away.

Tried as I might,

It just wouldn’t stay…

I never told it to leave,

I’m not sure why it went.

Did I force it too much,

And it simply was spent?

It’s been missing now,

For quite a long time.

Will it ever come back?

Will it ever be mine?

Is it lost forever?

When will it return?

Where has it gone?

Will it ever adjourn?

It was so long ago,

I must not have noticed,

The last time I had it,

It seems I should know this.

If I cannot discover,

The reason it left,

How will it come back?

How can it be kept?

It seems I’ll forever,

Be missing my smile.

Hopes of return,

May just be denial.

acceptance

I want to be free,

But I cannot surrender.

I’m a slave to the moments,

The things I remember.

I want to feel peace,

But what I don’t want to be,

Is happy or satisfied,

I’m just too angry.

Numb for so long,

I couldn’t feel anything.

Finally I hurt,

Finally I bleed.

Perhaps I am free,

Perhaps this new me,

Is free to now feel,

The things that I need.

Perhaps the surrender,

Is to let go of pleasure.

Perhaps it’s acceptance,

That there is no more pressure.

Perhaps to be free,

Is to let go of “should”.

To know that my feelings,

Needn’t always be “good”.

Maybe the surrender,

And the freedom I seek,

Is in the acceptance,

Of the ability to grieve.

thread

My image of glass,

Hangs by a thread.

All it takes is a crack,

On the eggshells you tread.

So fragile and frail,

Hemmed in by my fears.

I hold my breath tight,

Shut my eyes and my ears.

Don’t tell me your thoughts,

Don’t give me a hint.

I’d rather not know,

What your words meant.

I’m so close to crumbling,

It’s a moment away.

The thread that holds me,

Is starting to fray.

they said I was free

They said I was free,

But chains I still feel.

They tell me to fly,

And my pain is not real.

I don’t see the shackles,

Yet if I look close,

Bruises appear on,

My wrists, feet and throat.

I thought freedom would feel,

Much different from this.

So I become numb,

That’s as close as I’ll get.

burdened

Burdened and weary,

From this load that I carry,

Now my shoulders, they slump low.

The baggage, the stress,

I’ve been dragging this mess,

The whole family’s been in tow.

Unable to share,

This load that I bear,

It has been mine alone.

Others added to it,

Seems I let them do it,

Oh, how the pile has grown.

Crippled by the weight,

I no longer stand up straight,

My back is starting to bow.

My body can’t take it,

I’m not sure it’ll make it,

As this heaviness continues to grow.

I stumble and shake,

The load is too great,

I can no longer bear the burden.

I emptied my heart,

So I could carry your part,

Now I’m hollow and my body’s hurtin’.

This hollow body,

Now deformed and gaudy,

Can’t help but bend and sway.

My backbone is brittle,

It buckles a little,

Soon it will fully give way.

If I continue,

Collapse will ensue,

I must reclaim these parts of me.

I have tried at length,

Lord give me the strength,

That’s needed to shake myself free.

this place

I’m back in the place,

I was years ago.

It feels so different,

Yet I’ve nothing to show,

For the time that has passed.

I thought things would last.

The fight was so long,

But I lost it so fast.

I thought I was headed,

In a different direction.

Turns out I’m stagnant,

Stuck in a reflection.

So much has happened,

Yet nothing has changed.

What started has ended,

Nothing was gained.

So full of passion,

I poured it all out.

Now it is gone.

I’m left with my doubt,

That life will turn around.

That life will ever be,

What I had hoped,

What I had dreamed.

All of these years,

Were so full of tears,

So full of prayers,

So full of fears. 

When will the loss,

Turn into gain?

When will the joy,

Come out of the pain?

I set out to fix,

I thought I could mend,

Things now more broken,

Then they’ve ever been.

My efforts so fruitless,

The time, it fell useless.

Dismay is conducive,

To this place that is ruthless.

You say nothing’s lost,

You say nothing’s wasted.

Maybe someday I’ll see it,

Someday I’ll taste it.

This fruit that eludes me,

Where is it growing?

You say it’s about trusting,

And less about knowing.

Take hold of my heart,

It’s broken and jaded.

Mend it with hope,

Mend it with patience.

I don’t like this place,

But I know I must face it.

Lord give me the grace,

The grace to embrace it.

slowly

I’m just a shell,

That’s all I have left.

There’s nothing within,

I’m void and bereft.

Lacking emotion,

But mourning a death.

There’s nothing inside,

I’m no longer alive.

My heart isn’t broken,

It’s just been bled dry.

Not sure where I went,

Not sure when I left.

It must have been slowly,

‘Cause nobody wept.

rest

You say “come to me,

All who are weary,

And I will give you rest”.

So I come to you,

But I don’t know what to do,

To get this burden off of my chest.

I continue to choke,

Under a different yoke.

What is it that still pulls me down?

These things that I carry,

They continue to bury,

And weigh me deep into the ground.

I want to grab hold,

Of the courage, the bold,

But my grip must be too weak.

For try as I may,

It just slips away,

And once again I get knocked off my feet. 

I know there’ll be peace,

If I can ever release,

This weight that continues to bind me.

I don’t mean to do this,

I try to refuse it,

Somehow it still manages to find me.

I wish I knew,

How to give it to you,

The pressure continues to stack.

How do I let go,

Of the worry in tow?

I need you to take it off of my back.

lungs

Here’s where I laid,

I laid here for days.

My lungs not expanding,

My lungs not contracting.

My body not dead,

My lungs only acting.

Still as can be,

Not relaxed, just empty.

No air coming in,

No air going out.

The room full of silence,

Not a whisper, not a shout.

I laid here for years,

Trapped without tears.

No feelings to feel,

Where they went I don’t know,

Perhaps with my tears,

Forced deep down below. 

Maybe stuck in my chest,

Weighed down by heaviness.

This must be the reason,

Why my lungs are not breathing.